Jamaica Jim's Silly Stuff - "A Letter Home From Hedonism II"

Jamaica Jim's Silly Insanity!

Warning: Reading the below text can be hazardous -- to your bad mood!

"A Letter Home From Hedonism II"

After a lot of thought. following a lot of trips to Hedonism II in Negril, I finally figured out that maybe a good way to try to explain just what Hedonism is all about would be to have a letter sent home, explaining the resort through the eyes of a newby (a contraction of the words "new boy" as used in the British boarding schools), with the result that I've included below what I think might be how such a letter would read.  Enjoy!

Dear Mom,

Well, here I am at summer camp. Actually, I'm at a Hedonism II ... a resort in the Jamaica, but it's is really just a co-ed summer camp for adults.  And golly gee, all us big kids haven't had this much fun since we discovered the 101 uses for puberty.

Our counselors (at Hedonism they're called "coordinators") are all young and pretty with perfect white teeth and brown skin, and they are all named Robyn or Nadine and say, "No problem, Mon!" and "Irie, Mon!" and "Yah, Mon!"  I think they must all come off an assembly line down here in Jamaica.  Or maybe they are the result of atomic testing at the beach bars.

The "campers" are from all over.  There are Americans, Canadians and Europeans here.  This week there is a group of 12 Italian soccer players here.  Wow!  They have a leader and all of the Americans joke about him being the "Godfather."  I sat next to him at dinner, and what fun it was as an American to try to communicate with an Italian over the French bread and Russian dressing and the Jamaican salt fish and rice!  I asked him if we could go Dutch treat.  He didn't get it!

Money isn't used at Hedonism ... everything is already paid for, there is no tipping and people get all the drinks at the bar without paying a thing!  Each night little Bobby, 57, gets three sheets in the wind and falls flat on his face.  Then he grabs hold of the grass with both hands and begins screaming he's sliding off the face of the Earth.  Bobby's friends think he's ever so funny and they all plan to chip in to buy him a new liver.

Of course, we have the usual camp activities here, with such sports as tennis, archery, swimming, cycling, scuba diving and volleyball.  But we have other neat games, too ... such as pajama parties, toga nights and island picnics!

"Island Picnic."  Twice a week, the coordinators take a bunch of the "campers" over to a li'l island off the point and have a "picnic."  They take along all the fixings for lunch, load the campers onto the scuba and snorkeling boats and ferry 'em over to the island.  There, each camper is given a large bottle of something which smells like sangria and they all troop out to a sand bar and sit around ... playing "games."  The games consist of a bunch of questions and anybody who can't answer his question, has to chug-a-lug from his or her bottle.  The object seems to be to see how quickly everybody can get drunk and take off all their clothes ... which doesn't take long, seeing as how they're only wearing swim suits!

"Story Time."  Lots of single kids come to camp here at Hedonism II to meet lots of other single kids.  The other night I was walking on the beach, and in the dark I almost tripped over a boy and a girl who were telling stories.  His story began with ... "Once upon a time ..." and ended with "... why, of COURSE, I'll still respect you in the morning!"

"Epidermis Squirmis."  Kids come down here to bask in the sun and get a bone-deep tan, and everyone puts on lots of sun tanning oil.  The other night, at the beach party, a boy and girl were dancing, and I guess he held her a tad bit too tightly, cause all of a sudden she squirted right through his arms, ricocheted off the mirrored disco ball and into a nearby basketball hoop.  It was neat.  They came in second in the dance contest and ... first in the free throw contest!

"Workaholic Frolic."  Our rooms have no TV's.  The atmosphere is mindless by design.  The only decisions to make are whether to sign up for water skiing or sailing or scuba diving or the picnic or stretch out in one of the hammocks along the beach and whether to take chocolate mousse or cheesecake for dessert.  Some really frantic Americans find it hard to slow down.  It's so sad.  On the sly, they hold meetings ... while snorkeling!  In the talent show one night, one executive got up and read some of his favorite ... memorandums.

"Jamaica Time."  When us kids arrived at Hedonism, we were told to reset our watches by moving 'em back an hour.  That is cause Jamaica is one hour different from the time at home.  So, let's see ... During daylight saving time, a kid would gain one hour.  But if he went from Texas to the Jamaica, he'd lose an hour and if he came from California, he'd lose another hour.  At this rate, you could be on Social Security before the mousse arrives!

"Reggae All Night."  The disco is open all night.  On Saturday night little Johnny came in real late (4 EST, 5 EDT, 6 CDT, 7 MDT, 8 $US).  Well, his roommate, Joey, who is a scuba diver, woke up and shot him with a spear gun.  Joey was just about to have Johnny stuffed and mounted on the wall when little Suzie, who is a lawyer, rushed in, handed Johnny her card and asked him if he wanted to play a neat game called Personal Injury Suit.

"Show and Tell."  The swimsuits the kids wear here are real tiny!  I have seen enough skin here to reupholster the air-ship Hindenburg.  And sometimes, on the beach, a girl wears just half her swimsuit!  I can always tell when that happens cause my room looks out onto the beach, and all the boys start running by with their binoculars.  Boys can be so immature about nudity.  They're always coming to my window and wanting to use my telescope!  There's even a part of the beach where folks don't even wear ANY swim suits!  It's called the "Nude Beach."  The beach that I go to, though, Mom, is called the "Prude Beach."

The "Sperm Bank."  They have a really neat li'l pool called the "hot tub" here, Mom.  Why, it'll seat fifty people.  Course, I haven't gotten in it, cause the folks who are already in it yell at me ... "Take off that damn suit!  You can't come in here wearing any clothes!"  It makes me a tad bit insecure to say the least.  And, I know you wouldn't want me to get in with other people ... and them being ... stark neecked!

Well, I'll close now, Mom, I see some binoculars on the beach.  And don't worry about that old so-called Godfather being mad at me.  That's ridiculous.  And don't fret cause just like you told me, I'm brushing my teeth, changing my underwear and saying my prayers.  Why, just this morning I prayed that the maid would come get this horse's head out of my bed.
Your devoted son,

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