The following were collected and compiled by Jamaica Jim Jordan to provide warning information about some extremely serious <smile> situations that may be prevalent in many places in the Caribe Basin. "DIF" is almost universally found all over the Caribbean, while "A Letter Home From Hedonism II" provides the reader with a view of what Hedonism II in Negril, Jamaica is all about. <Grin!> 

The "Carib Bean" was created to lend a note of authenticity (!) to the history of the Caribbean -- and to try -- in my ham handed way -- to teach folks how the word is spelled!

(NOTE: All of the following were created with a my tongue pressed firmly against the interior of my mouth!)

(The below information was originally created by my friend, Ray Owsley, when we were both playing on Prodigy.  Here's to you, Ray!)

DIF is a real, not imagined, affliction which is contracted by first time visitors to the Caribbean! People contracting the disease usually start showing symptoms within the first twenty-four hours of first setting foot on a Caribbean island.  The initial symptom is an uncontrollable urge to lay on a beach and do absolutely nothing.  All those "must do" plans seem to melt away in the Caribbean sunshine.  When the afflicted are asked about going somewhere or doing something, the reply is usually, "What's the DIFference?  It can wait until tomorrow!"

DIF is further compounded by the effects of a strange force found only in the Caribbean.  It is called "Sand Gravity!"  When the disease meets up with the force, the poor afflicted soul finds it hard to even get up to retrieve another cold beverage!  That's why some resorts employ beach waiters and waitresses.

The disease gets progressively worse as time goes on.  Even couch potatoes are more active than DIF sufferers!  Another symptom of the disease has been reported by flight attendants, who say that spouses have been observed dragging their mates aboard aircraft leaving for the United States.  The afflicted have been heard to scream, "One more day -- just one more day!!!"

Back in the states, the deadly disease continues to affect victims.  They have been reported posting pictures and even posters of a tranquil island scene, on office walls and near their desks.  One sufferer was even reported to have taped an island picture on his clip board at work! People with DIF have reported that they often day dream about that special island in the sun, while at work.  Others have reported seeing people in serious business meetings with a silly grin on their face and a far away look in their eyes.

At home it doesn't get any better!  The poor sufferer forgets about the lawn, house work, kids, little league, friends, neighbors, family and even their job! In an extreme case, one forgets about house payments, car payments and social responsibilities.  All they can think of is, "How can I figure a way to return to the islands?"

There is no known cure for DIF!  All of the people who tried to find a cure, were themselves afflicted and ran off to some Caribbean location! There are only "treatments" for this dreaded affliction.  The treatment consists of a large "dose" of warm Caribbean sunshine, soft sandy beaches, warm Caribbean sea water and many cold drinks served at a beach bar.  There is a downside to this however.  The afflicted build up a resistance to the treatments and have to return more and more frequently and for longer periods to relieve the symptoms!  Most of the regulars round The Caribbean Travel Forum are hopelessly and helplessly afflicted and will never, recover!  The CDC and your government don't even acknowledge that this disease exists because they don't want to have a mass panic and have all of the citizens rush to the Caribbean.

The main problem is, DIF is something that you either already have -- or something you will get! (Grin!)

After a lot of thought. following a lot of trips to Hedonism II in Negril, I finally figured out that maybe a good way to try to explain just what Hedonism is all about would be to have a letter sent home, explaining the resort through the eyes of a newby (a contraction of the words "new boy" as used in the British boarding schools), with the result that I've included below what I think might be how such a letter would read.  Enjoy!

Dear Mom,

Well, here I am at summer camp.  Actually, I'm at a Hedonism II ... a resort in the Jamaica, but it's is really just a co-ed summer camp for adults.  And golly gee, all us big kids haven't had this much fun since we discovered the 101 uses for puberty.

Our counselors (at Hedonism they're called "coordinators") are all young and pretty with perfect white teeth and brown skin, and they are all named Robyn or Nadine and say, "No problem, Mon!" and "Irie, Mon!" and "Yah, Mon!"  I think they must all come off an assembly line down here in Jamaica.  Or maybe they are the result of atomic testing at the beach bars.

The "campers" are from all over.  There are Americans, Canadians and Europeans here.  This week there is a group of 12 Italian soccer players here.  Wow!  They have a leader and all of the Americans joke about him being the "Godfather."  I sat next to him at dinner, and what fun it was as an American to try to communicate with an Italian over the French bread and Russian dressing and the Jamaican salt fish and rice!  I asked him if we could go Dutch treat.  He didn't get it!

Money isn't used at Hedonism ... everything is already paid for, there is no tipping and people get all the drinks at the bar without paying a thing!  Each night little Bobby, 57, gets three sheets in the wind and falls flat on his face.  Then he grabs hold of the grass with both hands and begins screaming he's sliding off the face of the Earth.  Bobby's friends think he's ever so funny and they all plan to chip in to buy him a new liver.

Of course, we have the usual camp activities here, with such sports as tennis, archery, swimming, cycling, scuba diving and volleyball.  But we have other neat games, too ... such as pajama parties, toga nights and island picnics!

"Island Picnic."  Twice a week, the coordinators take a bunch of the "campers" over to a li'l island off the point and have a "picnic."  They take along all the fixings for lunch, load the campers onto the scuba and snorkeling boats and ferry 'em over to the island.  There, each camper is given a large bottle of something which smells like sangria and they all troop out to a sand bar and sit around ... playing "games."  The games consist of a bunch of questions and anybody who can't answer his question, has to chug-a-lug from his or her bottle.  The object seems to be to see how quickly everybody can get drunk and take off all their clothes ... which doesn't take long, seeing as how they're only wearing swim suits!

"Story Time."  Lots of single kids come to camp here at Hedonism II to meet lots of other single kids.  The other night I was walking on the beach, and in the dark I almost tripped over a boy and a girl who were telling stories.  His story began with ... "Once upon a time ..." and ended with "... why, of COURSE, I'll still respect you in the morning!"

"Epidermis Squirmis."  Kids come down here to bask in the sun and get a bone-deep tan, and everyone puts on lots of sun tanning oil.  The other night, at the beach party, a boy and girl were dancing, and I guess he held her a tad bit too tightly, cause all of a sudden she squirted right through his arms, ricocheted off the mirrored disco ball and into a nearby basketball hoop.  It was neat.  They came in second in the dance contest and ... first in the free throw contest!

"Workaholic Frolic."  Our rooms have no TV's.  The atmosphere is mindless by design.  The only decisions to make are whether to sign up for water skiing or sailing or scuba diving or the picnic or stretch out in one of the hammocks along the beach and whether to take chocolate mousse or cheesecake for dessert.  Some really frantic Americans find it hard to slow down.  It's so sad.  On the sly, they hold meetings ... while snorkeling!  In the talent show one night, one executive got up and read some of his favorite ... memorandums.

"Jamaica Time."  When us kids arrived at Hedonism, we were told to reset our watches by moving 'em back an hour.  That is cause Jamaica is one hour different from the time at home.  So, let's see ... During daylight saving time, a kid would gain one hour.  But if he went from Texas to the Jamaica, he'd lose an hour and if he came from California, he'd lose another hour.  At this rate, you could be on Social Security before the mousse arrives!

"Reggae All Night."  The disco is open all night.  On Saturday night little Johnny came in real late (4 EST, 5 EDT, 6 CDT, 7 MDT, 8 $US).  Well, his roommate, Joey, who is a scuba diver, woke up and shot him with a speargun.  Joey was just about to have Johnny stuffed and mounted on the wall when little Suzie, who is a lawyer, rushed in, handed Johnny her card and asked him if he wanted to play a neat game called Personal Injury Suit.

"Show and Tell."  The swimsuits the kids wear here are real tiny!  I have seen enough skin here to reupholster the air-ship Hindenburg.  And sometimes, on the beach, a girl wears just half her swimsuit!  I can always tell when that happens cause my room looks out onto the beach, and all the boys start running by with their binoculars.  Boys can be so immature about nudity.  They're always coming to my window and wanting to use my telescope!  There's even a part of the beach where folks don't even wear ANY swim suits!  It's called the "Nude Beach."  The beach that I go to, though, Mom, is called the "Prude Beach."

The "Sperm Bank."  They have a really neat li'l pool called the "hot tub" here, Mom.  Why, it'll seat fifty people.  Course, I haven't gotten in it, cause the folks who are already in it yell at me ... "Take off that damn suit!  You can't come in here wearing any clothes!"  It makes me a tad bit insecure to say the least.  And, I know you wouldn't want me to get in with other people ... and them being ... stark neecked!

Your devoted son,

Jimmy

As a youngster, I remember once hearing “The Sermon of the Peasle Tree” on a phonograph record, which an aunt of mine had.  I was very taken with it, so much so that I committed it to memory.  Recently a friend – Carol – asked me if I still remembered the sermon.  I said I thought I still had most of it memorized.  She suggested that I try and put it down on paper.  This resulted in my trying to recall the words, as I first heard them.  It also resulted in my doing a web search of the Internet, to see if I could find the original text, but I found only one reference, which I've copied and pasted in below…

        “I loved the one about the preacher who could not read that well and was preaching
          from the book of Psalms and just could not figure out the word PSALTRY.*  So he 
          sounded it out and came up with the word Peasle Tree so that was what he preached
          on.  (The Peasle Tree)”

*  Note: The psaltry is a musical instrument.

From the dim recesses of my memory, it seems the sermon was supposed to have been given in rural Georgia.  I also seem to remember that in the original version, there was a some mention of the preacher being just barely literate – he was able to “read readin’ but not writin’“ – an obvious reference to his being somewhat able to read printed words but he couldn't read cursive writing.  The preacher also tended to combine his Bible knowledge with what he knew of then current events, which resulted in the melange of his everyday happenings being mixed into his Biblical references, as well as getting his basic Biblical facts mixed up. 

It was also noted, possibly as an aside, that the phrase, “gleanin’ in de vineyard of de Lawd” was in reference to the preacher having dallied in bed with one of the women church members, which left him without sufficient time to compose a proper sermon. 

So, here it is – “The Sermon of the Peasle Tree” – as I remember it.  I hope you'll enjoy it!

Jim Jordan, 2002

“Brother'n and sister'n, I's been so took up wid de pastoral duties heah ‘mongst de flock and gleanin’ in de vineyard of de Lawd, dat I ain't had time to pre-pare a right theologic sermon wid which to hold foth on to you today.  Derefore, I's jus gwan let de Good Book drap open and wheresoever my eyes does fall, we'll know dat de Lawd has guided me to dat text fo my sermon dis Sabbath mornin’.

“And de book has drap open to Two Eye Kings ... and it says dere … 'And, Moses worshipped De Lawd wid de harp and wid de instument ob seven strings and wid de …uh … p s a l t r y.'  Now, we sees heah dat Moses worshipped De Lawd wid de harp and wid de instument ob seven strings and wid de … uh … psal - try … de Peasle Tree!   So, my sermon to y'all today is bout de Peasle Tree!

“Now Moses, he lib on de plantation ob Mr. Pharaoh, down in de Land ob Egypt, and de Peasle Tree were a tree dat grow up out back ob Moses’ house.  One day, de Lawd tell Moses dat He's ready fo Moses to go into Egypt and save de Chillen of Israel from the wicked Pharaoh.  So Moses, he go out to de Peasle Tree and he finds him a nice straight branch and cuts dat branch from de Peasle Tree and make him a staff.  He take de Peasle Tree staff and he go walk up de road, to de big house of Mr. Pharaoh.

"Now, Mr. Pharaoh, he lived in a mighty big house … cause he was quality white folks in dem parts, in dem days.  Moses, he walk right up to de big front door of Mr. Pharaoh's house and he retch up and grab de big brass knocker and knock on de door.  Mr. Pharaoh's houseboy, he come to de door and says, 'Moses … what you want?'  Moses, he say, 'I wants to see Mr. Pharaoh!'

“De li'l houseboy say, 'Moses!  You can’ see Mr. Pharaoh!  He can’ come to de door now ... it's too early in de morning.  He ain't up yet dis morning!'  Moses jus’ say, 'You go tell Pharaoh I's here to see him!'  De houseboy say, 'Okay, but Mr. Pharaoh ain't gwan be very happy.'  Moses say, 'You go tell him I's here!'

"After a while, Mr. Pharaoh come to de door and say, 'Moses, what you doin’ here?  It's still early and I ain't had my brea'fast dis mornin’.  Why, I ain't eben had my mint julep yet!  What you want heah?'  Moses say, 'Pharaoh, I wants you to let de Chillen of Israel go!'

"Pharaoh say, 'What?  What you mean, let de Chillen of Israel go?'  Moses say, 'De Lord done tol’ me to tell you to let de Chillen of Israel go.'  Pharaoh say, 'I can’ let dem chillen go!  Dey has all dere work to do.  Why, de crops need hoein’, de cotton needs pickin’, de corn needs huskin’ … ain't no way dey can go nowhere!  And, didn’ I jus’ gib ‘em Abraham Lincoln birfday and George Washington’s birfday and de Fout' ob July off?  Ain't no way I can gib dem chillen ob yoah'n no more time off!'

“Moses, he don't say nuthin’ ... he jus put de Peasle Tree staff down on de ground, say de magic words tree times, de wind whistle thru de branches ob de Peasle Tree from East to West and rustle de leaves of de Peasle Tree … and de Peasle Tree staff turns into a fiery serpent!  But, Moses, he tweren't afeared … he jus retch down and grab aholt ob de tail ob dat fiery serpent and swing it round his head tree times, trow it on de ground … and dat snake change back into de Peasle Tree staff.  Next, Moses take water be brung from de river and pour it on de ground and de water turned into blood.

“Pharaoh says, 'Now listen heah Moses, whilst we been talkin’ I's been thinkin’ … and dem chillen ob yoah'n does make mighty poor field hands, and dey is lazy and it costs a lot fo me to feed ‘em.  I tell you what I'm gonna do … I'm gonna let ‘em go!'

“Moses leave, carryin’ de Peasle Tree staff and he go down to de fields and tell de fo'man, 'Call in all de field hands.  Have ‘em load up all dere tings.  Den have ‘em go and dig up de Peasle Tree … and load it on dat Studebaker wagon.  Hitch up a team of dem Missouri mules to de wagon … and tie bells and red, white and blue tassels from de mules’ hames.  We's leaving de land of Egypt, goin’ to de Promised Land'

“And, it was recorded dat de Chillen of Israel marched out of Egypt, wid high heads and big grins, headed fo de Promised Land.  Moses, he led de procession, marching at de front, and right behind him was de Peasle Tree on de wagon, wid red and white and blue ribbons tied to de limbs … and a New Nited States flag flying from de topmost branch!

“When dey reached de Red Sea, de Chillen of Israel went up to Moses and says, 'Moses!  What we gwan do?  De sea is wide and de sea is deep … and dere ain't no ferry and dere ain't no ford!  How we gwan get ‘cross?'  Moses says, 'Ain't no reason for y'all to fret none ... de Lawd and de Peasle Tree will get us ‘cross.'  And Moses says de magic words, and de wind whistle thru de branches ob de Peasle Tree from East to West and rustle de leaves ob de Peasle Tree, and de Red Sea opens up … and all de Chillen of Israel crosses on dry foots!

“And, when de Chillen of Israel gets to de t'other side, dey looks back cross and what did dey see but de whole host of Pharaoh's armies acommin’ after ‘em.  And, de Chillen of Israel was sore afeared and dey turns to Moses and says, 'Moses … what we gwan do?  Pharaoh's army is gonna slay us all!'

“And, Moses says, 'Don’ worry, de Lawd and de Peasle Tree gwan save us.'  And Moses says de magic words, and de wind whistle thru de branches ob de Peasle Tree from West to East and rustle de leaves ob de Peasle Tree, and de Red Sea closes up and drowns all ob Pharaoh's armies … and de Chillen of Israel goes free.

“Now, it is recorded dat de Chillen of Israel wandered in de Wilderness fo forty days and forty nights.   It is said dat de Chillen of Israel was guided by a pillar ob smoke by day and a pillar of fire by night.  T'weren't no pillar of smoke ... it was jus de shade from de Peasle Tree.  And, it t'wadn't no pillar of fire ... it was jus de moon shinin’ on de leaves of de Peasle Tree.

“One day, de Chillen of Israel goes to Moses and says, 'Moses!  We ain't got nuthin’ to eat!  We's hongry!'  And Moses, says, 'What you mean, you hongry?  You's got de Peasle Tree -- jus’ go out deah and pick you some peasles!'  And, my brother'n and sister'n, it is recorded that de Chillen of Israel picked forty bushel baskets ob peasles!

“So … verily, verily I say unto you, on dat last great day, when de ol’ worl’ gets wropped up like a newspaper and tossed on de fiery flames … and de sheeps is gathered on de right and de goats is gathered on de left … if you wants to be on de right and not spend fo’eber in de fires ob Hell … I say unto you … you better have you a right smart pack ob peasle leaves in yoah pocket! 

“Amen!”

Over the years, I've noticed that a plethora of people in cyber space sometimes seem to trip up when spelling the name that's associated with that HUGE body of water and the islands that pretty much ring it - and you ALL know which body of water THAT is! 

Yes, Dear Hearts - it's that place that's so near and dear to our hearts - and MINDS! It's the sea that lies south of most of the Greater Antilles, west of the Leewards and Windwards, north of the South America continent and east of Central America!  You got it!  The CARIBBEAN! 

Yes, but all too frequently, some of our members tend to include two "R's" and only one "B" when typing it out! <sigh> Oh, we all know that it CAN be pronounced two ways - and therein lies the problem! Just as some folks say "po-TAT-to" and others say "po-TAY-to" - some folks say "Carry-BE-an" and others say "Ca-RIB-be-an"! (By the way, either is correct!) 

BUT - there is ONLY one way to SPELL it!  It's C A R I B B E A N!  It AIN'T C A R R I B E A N!  So, this message is posted so all y'all will NEVER again misspell (Yes, that DOES have two "S's" and two "L's"!) the name of that sea! 

Now, first, a quick "Jamaica Jim" history lesson! 

Some historians have attempted to promulgate that the sea and the area derived their name from a tribe of Indians - the Caribes.  Not true!  For, in the Gospel according to "St. Jim the Oneth", the name actually came from a lovable, likeable, li'l --- LEGUME!  Yup, you read that correctly!  The name actually derived from a lowly li'l - BEAN!  The CARIB BEAN! <serious look> You don't believe that?  Well, I never lied to you before, did I?  (Least, not so's you'd know IT!) <G> 

Yes, dear friends and family, it was that li'l legume - that tiny tidbit - that picayune pea - that gave us the name that is emblazoned in our psyche and that is stamped in our passports - the Carib Bean!  But, let me expand and expound on that lowly legume that has made such a change in ALL our lives! 

First off, the Carib Bean was first "discovered" by good ol' Chris Columbus on his second voyage to the New World - or as Chris called it (using what later became known as the "Jordanial Numbering System" after MY great-great-great-great grand uncle, Jacobi Jordan, that earliest of all mathematicians), his twoth trip!  He was sailing past one of the islands named for The 11,000 Virgins that were martyred way back in the Fourth Century, when he espied something floating near the shore - and using his primitive telescope, he made shore what it was!  And, what it was -- was a Carib Bean!  Yes, that was the ONETH time that a Carib Bean had been seen, certainly by anybody from Europe! 

Michael rowed the boat ashore - and Chris shore figured he'd found something that would make him famous!  And, it DID!  Cause when Chris asked the Caribe Indians what that thing was, they said, in the Caribe language, "Aw hell, it's just a carib bean!" <Sheesh> (Just listen - if you start carping, you'll never find out what happened to that bean!) 

Well, ol' Chris had the Indians bring him huge baskets of carib beans and when his food stocks of Godiva chocolates, which had started running low, ran completely out, why, the crews of Nina (named for my later "first wife") and Pinta (named for a car that was designed by an early Italian inventor) and the Santa Maria (named after a Mary of later years, who lived in California) just hauled out those baskets - and had a meal of fried carib beans! And, that's how the discoverers of the New World were able to survive the long return journey back to the court of Issie and Ferdie, where the news of the new carib bean made history! 

Now, we jump forward in time to the era of the Great Recent Unpleasantness - or as it was known in the South, the War of Northern Aggression!  (You Yankees in the back row - stop that bitching!)  It was ol' General United States Grant who first said, "War is Hell - specially when you can't get no good carib beans!" 

And, long AFTER those brave Citadel cadets fired on the Yankees at Fort Sumpter - just across from where the confluence of the Ashley and Cooper Rivers forms the Atlantic Ocean - and General Robert Edward Lee, a descendant of Lighthorse Harry Lee, who lightened the pastures of horses belonging to some other folks, had turned his saber into a plow share - on a small plantation in Alabama, a man named George Washington Carver found that somebody had inadvertently mixed up some peanuts and a couple of  carib beans in his bucket!  He was easily able to extract the beans from those piddling peanuts and he created an entire industry around the carib bean! 

While the world made much note of his work with peanuts, what he did with carib beans had far greater influence on the entire world for years to come!  In the oneth place, good ol' George W. Carver found that the carib bean had far more protein, oil, and carbohydrates than did the peanut!  He also found a LOTTA uses for the plant.  Carib bean plants left in the fields provided food for cows and pigs and also as a fine manure. 

Well, it's getting late and I'm a mite tired, so the rest of the carib bean saga will just hafta wait for another time. I'll try to remember to tell y'all bout a cartoonist - Charles N. Shultz (NOT related to Charles M. Shultz of "Peanuts" fame, but another one) - who made his life's career of creating a cartoon called "Carib Beans"!  He had such characters as Whinus, Charles Brownie, Loosely Lucy, and a lovable hound named Sloopy, who imagines he is -- Ollie North!! <BG> 

NOW -- y'all, please remember -- it's the CARIB BEAN! <sniggle>

(I hope my readers will forgive me for taking liberties with my above version of "The Peasle Tree" and corrupting it -- to use in the following humorous look at history!  JAJ)

What follows was transcribed from a post-World War Twoth wire recording, the fidelity of which was pret--ty low - which might explain why it sounded a bit like two cats fighting in a paper sack!  It should also be noted that The Reverend "Bubba" Jim Bob Longneck was pretty good at reading "reading" - but not too swift at reading "writing"!

As the recording begins, the listener can hear the faint, final strains of that fine old hymn, "Turn Your Radio On", sung by the Heavenly Angels Trio of the Oneth Batholic Church of Tupefalla, Georgia.  The Reverend "Bubba" has just mounted the pulpit and he begins his sermon....

Brothers and Sisters, I been sorta took up the past week - what with having an audit of the church's tax return for last year by the Ewe Ess Infernal Revenue Service - and "gleaning" in the vineyard of The Lawd, in the front seat of my nice, new 1948 Packard Roadster, with Sister Lonelle Sue Lazybones, to whom I was ministering with some "laying on of hands"! 

Therefore, I ain't had time to prepare a right theologic sermon to hold forth on, to y'all on this bright, sunny Sabbath morning!  So, I'm just gonna let my lovely leather like, Naugahyde, bound edition of the King James the Oneth Bible drop open and wherever my eyes doth fall, I'll KNOW that the Lawd has guided my eyes to that text, to hold forth on to y'all today! 

And, we see here that the book has dropped open to the Gospel according to St. Jim, chapter XXXXVII, verse 294, in which it says, "Moses worshipped the Lawd with the harp and the instrument of seven strings and the ... uh ... uh ... p s a l t r y." 

So, Brothers and Sisters, ol' Moses worshipped the Lawd with the harp and the instrument of seven strings and the  p s a l t r y.  (Hummm? The ... P'sal Tree?) Now, my sermon today is bout the ... P'sal Tree! Yes! And, bout the Carib Bean, cause they're both prominent in what y'all are bout to hear! 

Now, the P'sal Tree was a tree that grew up in the Land of Israel, down on Mista Pharaoh's Carib Bean plantation. And, one day, ol' Moses - he was working down in the Carib Bean patch on the South forty - had a revelation!  The Lawd came to him in a vision and said in a loud voice, "MOSES! Get yoah self outta that Carib Bean patch and get those Chillun of Israel and take 'em to The Promised Land!  I HAS spoken!" 

Moses picked himself up from the ground - where he fell when that loud voice scared him - and he said, "Lawd, I gonna DO that very thing!"  Then, Moses went over to the P'sal Tree and he cut him a limb - a nice straight limb - and he him made a P'sal Tree staff outta it.

He took his P'sal Tree staff and he walked up to the BIG front door of Mista Pharaoh's plantation mansion. (Now, y'all gotta know, ol' Mista Pharaoh was quite THE quality fellow, in THOSE parts, in THOSE days.)  Moses, he went up to the front door and he grabbed the big brass knocker and he bammed on the door!  One of Mista Pharaoh's house boys opened the door and he said, "Moses?  What you doin' beating on Mista Pharaoh's front door?" 

Moses just said, "You tell Mista Pharaoh that Moses is here to speak to him!"  The boy said, "Moses!  YOU know Mista Pharaoh ain't up yet!  He ain't had his mint julep this morning and he ain't even read the morning Atlanta Journal!"  Moses just said, "You just go TELL Mista Pharaoh I'm HERE!!" 

Bout that time, ol' Pharaoh himself appeared at the door and said, "Moses?  What you wanna see me bout?"  Moses said, "Mista Pharaoh, I want you to let my chillun go!" 

"YOAH chillun!  You ain't go no chillun!  Heck, you ain't even married, Moses!" said Pharaoh. 

"I mean the Chillun of Israel!" said Moses!

"Hold on, there, Moses!  How come I gotta let those chillun go?  Didn't I just give 'em a raise in the minimum wage?  And, didn't I give 'em the Fourth of July and Labor Day and George Washington's birthday off?  And, ain't there a whole bunch of Carib Bean patches that ain't been harvested yet?  And, who SAYS I gotta let those chillun go, anyhow?"

Moses - he didn't say anything!  He just laid the P'sal Tree staff on the ground and he said the magic words three times and - the P'sal Tree staff turned into a -- FIERY serpent!  And, ol' Moses just reached down and grabbed that fiery serpent by the tail and slung it round his head three times - and it changed back into the P'sal Tree staff! 

Now, Pharaoh - HE was a mite BIT taken 'back by THAT!! 

Ol' Pharaoh said, "Whee-eew!  Moses, whilst we been talking here, I been thinking!" <smile> "Those chillun of your's AIN'T much good as field hands anyway!  AND they're costing me an arm and a leg just to feed and house 'em!  AND they've even been talking amongst themselves bout joining up with that infernal International Brotherhood and Sisterhood of Carib Bean Pickers, Farm Workers Union Weekend Choir Association!  I tell you what I'm gonna DO!  I'm just gonna let 'em GO!  Who needs this kinda stuff first thing of a morning anyway?" 

So, Moses - he called in all the field hands from the Carib Bean patches all round Pharaoh's plantation and he said to 'em, "Hurry and harvest all the Carib Beans y'all can!  Then, go over to the Carib Bean granaries and get all them Carib Beans from last summer's harvest and load 'em all in the Studebaker wagons!  Hitch up them Missouri mules to the wagons!  Dig up the P'sal Tree and load it on that Dodge pick-em-up-truck!  The Chillun of Israel is leaving - headed for The Promised Land!" 

Brothers and Sisters, can I have an "Amen" for those Chillun heading for The Promised Land? 

"Amen, Brother Bubba!"

Now, Brothers and Sisters, it is recorded in the Good Book, that Moses lead the Chillun of Israel out cross the dessert, to the Red Sea!  And, when they got there, the Chillun of Israel say, "MOSES?  Wha' we gonna do?  There ain't no ferry and there ain't no ford!  How we gonna get across?"  Moses - he was cool as that ol' proverbial cucumber - he just raised up the P'sal Tree staff and said the magic words three times - and the wind whistled thru the leaves of the P'sal Tree - and the Red Sea opened up wide - and the Chillun of Israel crossed on dry foot! 

And, when they got to the other side, they looked back to see all the hosts of Pharaoh's Egyptian armies - a'coming after 'em! And, they said to Moses, "MOSES?  Wha' we gonna DO? Ol' Pharaoh has his armies coming' to GET us!"  Moses - he didn't say anything!  He just raised up that P'sal Tree staff and said the magic words three times - and the wind whistled thru the leaves of the P'sal Tree - and the Red Sea closed up and drowned ALL the hosts of Mista Pharaoh's armies!

How bout another "Amen" for those Chillun? 

"Amen, Brother Bubba, amen!"

It is further recorded in the Good Book, that Moses and the Chillun of Israel wandered for forty days and forty nights in the Wilderness!  And one day, they came to Moses and they said, "MOSES!  We're hungry!  We ain't got nothing to eat!"  And Moses said, "What?  Nothing to EAT?  Heck, y'all just go out there to that P'sal Tree and pick y'all some P'SALS!  Yeah, and there's a whole raft of them wagons just plumb full of CARIB BEANS!  Y'all can eat all the P'sals and Carib Beans y'all want!  It's gonna be P'sals and Carib Beans for everybody!"  (And, by the way, since the P'sals taste a li'l like pork when they're baked, that's really where "pork and beans" got their start!)

And, my Brothers and Sisters, it is recorded that the Chillun of Israel picked forty bushels of P'sals that day!  And, the Carib Beans gave the Chillun of Israel plenty of gas - for the Dodge pick-em-up-truck!  And, it is said, that the Chillun of Israel were guided by a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night!  It wadn't a cloud - it was just the shade from the leaves of the P'sal Tree! And, it wadn't a pillar of fire - it was just the gas from those Carib Beans burning! 

So, dear Brothers and Sisters - when the ol' World is wrapped up like an newspaper and tossed on The Fiery Flames - and the goats are gathered on the left and the sheep are gathered on the right - if Y'ALL wanna be with the sheep and NOT with the goats - y'all better have a P'sal Tree staff in your hand - and a right smart bunch of Carib Beans in yoah pocket!  Amen!